What is an atheist? Fuck if I know, but everyone else seems to know perfectly well!

Allow me a simple rant… I really just can’t stand it when a Christian*–or anyone else for that matter–tells me “what an atheist believes”.

Judging by the frequency that the “atheist blogosphere” writes about this topic, I’ll go ahead and venture a guess that I’m not alone in my frustration; there have been some very good articles posted on this topic, including some posted recently.

You know, in a former life (so to speak), yours truly was an “attorney and counselor at law”. The thing that used to “get my goat” more than anything else back then was when someone just felt completely fucking compelled to tell me what “the law says”. And believe me, you’d be surprised just how often people feel compelled to tell a lawyer just what “the law says”. “The law says I can do that!” (The other biggie was the “Can a man?” questions, but I won’t elaborate…)

Today, I get the same “old feeling” when someone tells me “what an atheist believes”.

Here’s the typical scenario: it all starts with me meeting someone. Maybe it’s the parent of one of my kids’ friends, maybe someone standing in a line somewhere, maybe someone somewhere else… That person starts talking all crazy Christian* and–probably about the time they notice I’m not shaking my head in agreement–they ask me point-blank if I agree! My reply is usually along the lines of, “Uh, No. I’m an atheist.” Then there’s the long moment of puzzled disbelief as they, with casual nonchalance, look me over real good to see if they can recognize any of the “telltale” signs of atheism, whatever those are. Not finding any, they usually offer up a fairly standard expression along the lines of, “but wait, I’ve been told repeatedly–by good people that I really trust–that atheists are horrible people, but you seem like an alright fella.” To which I tend to reply along the lines of “well, I think you’ll find that I’m more-or-less representative of the average atheist” followed by the “you do the math” argument. It’s usually about at this point that the person remembers that I am, after all, a self-admitted atheist, so of course whatever I say must be wrong and whatever nonsensical, ill-fitting assertions were made by those “good people” must nonetheless be true. And that’s when the person invariably launches into the long and arduous task of telling me all the various and sundry horrible, horrible things I believe and all the horrible, horrible things I want to see happen.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I just can’t fucking stand it when it gets to this point, which is not good because my typical response at this point is a polite and dignified, “well then, why don’t you go fuck yourself?” And, of course, that really does no one any good.

So, please GET THIS: an atheist is simply a person who rejects the theist’s claims. It’s really no more complicated than that. I’m not out to destroy you or your church or your family; I’m not out to corrupt your kids**. I just require something more than YOUR BELIEF to convince me that YOUR BELIEF is in fact reality! (And no, it doesn’t help that lots of people believe what you believe. Need I remind you that at one time every living person believed–in fact, it was beyond question–that the Earth was flat?)

If it helps, think of it in terms of our language: what does it mean when a word starts with the prefix “a”? Well, it means “without” or “lacking” or “not”. Ok? It doesn’t mean “against” (“contra”, as in contraceptive) and it also doesn’t mean “opposite of” (“anti” as in antiseptic).

So you see, “atheist” works like “apolitical” or “asocial”. Someone who’s “apolitical” isn’t trying to destroy the two party system or overthrow the government–they just don’t care who’s running in the next election! Likewise, a person who is “asocial” isn’t trying to close down all the bars and restaurants and movie theaters and bowling alleys! They just don’t go to those places themselves…

Get it? I goddamned well hope so. And if not, well, then, why don’t you go fuck yourself?